A User-Friendly Guide to Building a Well-Built Time Machine without That Whole Part About Destroying the Fabric of Space
Chapter One: So You Want to be an Astrophysicist, eh?
As you are most certainly sitting down, or standing up, or lying down, or leaning ‘cross against a nearby dumpster inside of which you found this book, you must be thinking to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have a time machine? Nothing special or exceptionally spectacular, heavens no, but simply an apparatus I could use without reading any complex manuals printed in exactly all the wrong languages, or reading any gratuitously long books on how and/or why I should build and use this machine. And also, I would prefer no assembly to be required, please.” Well, I would say, in any normal case, that if that is how you feel about it you might as well throw this book back in the dumpster you got it out of, but seeing as how you’re searching through dumpsters for books unwanted and lost anyway, you might as well buckle yourself in and try to enjoy the show any-hoot.
You see, let the truth be told that, no matter where you go or how hard you try or how many painstakingly long years you spend at the top of a mountain thinking about it, chances are you will never be able to create a time machine without a little bit of mental-elbow grease. However, I understand completely that most people are lacking in the mental WD-40 section of their cranial hardware store required to build a well-built time machine without that whole part about destroying the fabric of space.
This is why, through the infinite miracles of karma and fate, you have stumbled across this book, vast yet simple as it is. The point of this book ever even being written in the first place is that the author came to a conclusion early in his life that if people only looked at the world with a little more sensible and knowledgeable of eyes the world as a whole would be a better place, and that if one were to reach the world, without going hoarse from screaming, the best way to do it was through a book. However, most of the people he was trying to reach didn’t really read books of that subject anyway, and certainly would be overwhelmed by a title such as How to Build a Negative Curvature Wormhole, or The Philosophy of Physics and Time Travel. Instead, thought the author, the title had to convey that, though what the reader were about to read was complex and somewhat provocative, they, with their lacking greasiness, would be able to understand and (far more importantly) enjoy the subject. Therefore, the author of this book you hold in your hands right now decided to change the title into saying just exactly what the book was about and nothing more than that. He also decided to add the words A User Friendly Guide to the front of it. In doing this, no one who wanted to see it would miss it, and those who thought it best to miss it would possibly have a change of heart and take the all–important second glance. Apparently, he was successful, as evident by your own inner monologue reading the very words he wrote. Or maybe he’s very poor right now and is handing the book out for free to anybody who might take the time to fill his last, dying ego a bit and read it. In either case, I’m sure he’s copyrighted it by now.
Now, if you’ve really studied the cover, you will know that the author of these words is C. Nicholas Walker, a.k.a. me, a little known man with little known thoughts that apparently he thought large enough to incorporate into a large-scale publication of sorts. It is this publication that you have stumbled across, whether by accident or by librarian, and I, the author, would just like to take a moment and thank you for doing this, although it was really no effort on your part as much as it was on the parts of the universe and its incredible, unstoppable ability to make little to no sense as often as it likes.
But, going back to the point, if you wish to accomplish all of these spectacular, amazing and unbelievable feats of science, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk? Hopefully you do, because there isn’t a single genius in the world who lived, lives, or ever will live that didn’t rely on a little bit of luck, so even you have to. Sorry. But hey, look on the bright side: you’ve got the best book in this or any world out there on how to do it, so why don’t we get started by removing that rain cloud from your brain, you party-pooper, before you bring everybody else reading this book down, too?I think to myself about you, “So, you want to be an astrophysicist, eh?” Well, at least we know your expectations of yourself aren’t low. In point of fact, astrophysics isn’t really as difficult a field as it sounds, and most average people have the ability to do it pretty easily if the folks upstairs hadn’t of given it such a complicated name (i.e. the name of this book is simple and well-defined, and now you’re reading it!). Although the field takes quite a bit of imagination, I’m sure that everyone’s got enough of it, and if they don’t they’re stiff politicians who read The Wall Street Journal for morning-time kicks anyway. But you, you’ve got spunk and hope, and in the world or science and theories spunk and hope is a big part. That and common sense. As my father once said, “Anything that you want to do in this world is 10% actual knowledge and 90% common sense.” You’ve already got 90% of the process down. The purpose of this book is to fill in the other all-important 10% without which you would be most confused. It’s as important a difference as knowing how to use a saw and knowing how to use a saw without losing a finger: really basic but really essential to the whole process. I mean, you wouldn’t be able to play the flute or give someone a high-five or speak sign language, besides the fact that your wood would have blood on it, which nobody likes unless the wood is supposed to be red.
As you are most certainly sitting down, or standing up, or lying down, or leaning ‘cross against a nearby dumpster inside of which you found this book, you must be thinking to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could have a time machine? Nothing special or exceptionally spectacular, heavens no, but simply an apparatus I could use without reading any complex manuals printed in exactly all the wrong languages, or reading any gratuitously long books on how and/or why I should build and use this machine. And also, I would prefer no assembly to be required, please.” Well, I would say, in any normal case, that if that is how you feel about it you might as well throw this book back in the dumpster you got it out of, but seeing as how you’re searching through dumpsters for books unwanted and lost anyway, you might as well buckle yourself in and try to enjoy the show any-hoot.
You see, let the truth be told that, no matter where you go or how hard you try or how many painstakingly long years you spend at the top of a mountain thinking about it, chances are you will never be able to create a time machine without a little bit of mental-elbow grease. However, I understand completely that most people are lacking in the mental WD-40 section of their cranial hardware store required to build a well-built time machine without that whole part about destroying the fabric of space.
This is why, through the infinite miracles of karma and fate, you have stumbled across this book, vast yet simple as it is. The point of this book ever even being written in the first place is that the author came to a conclusion early in his life that if people only looked at the world with a little more sensible and knowledgeable of eyes the world as a whole would be a better place, and that if one were to reach the world, without going hoarse from screaming, the best way to do it was through a book. However, most of the people he was trying to reach didn’t really read books of that subject anyway, and certainly would be overwhelmed by a title such as How to Build a Negative Curvature Wormhole, or The Philosophy of Physics and Time Travel. Instead, thought the author, the title had to convey that, though what the reader were about to read was complex and somewhat provocative, they, with their lacking greasiness, would be able to understand and (far more importantly) enjoy the subject. Therefore, the author of this book you hold in your hands right now decided to change the title into saying just exactly what the book was about and nothing more than that. He also decided to add the words A User Friendly Guide to the front of it. In doing this, no one who wanted to see it would miss it, and those who thought it best to miss it would possibly have a change of heart and take the all–important second glance. Apparently, he was successful, as evident by your own inner monologue reading the very words he wrote. Or maybe he’s very poor right now and is handing the book out for free to anybody who might take the time to fill his last, dying ego a bit and read it. In either case, I’m sure he’s copyrighted it by now.
Now, if you’ve really studied the cover, you will know that the author of these words is C. Nicholas Walker, a.k.a. me, a little known man with little known thoughts that apparently he thought large enough to incorporate into a large-scale publication of sorts. It is this publication that you have stumbled across, whether by accident or by librarian, and I, the author, would just like to take a moment and thank you for doing this, although it was really no effort on your part as much as it was on the parts of the universe and its incredible, unstoppable ability to make little to no sense as often as it likes.
But, going back to the point, if you wish to accomplish all of these spectacular, amazing and unbelievable feats of science, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well do ya, punk? Hopefully you do, because there isn’t a single genius in the world who lived, lives, or ever will live that didn’t rely on a little bit of luck, so even you have to. Sorry. But hey, look on the bright side: you’ve got the best book in this or any world out there on how to do it, so why don’t we get started by removing that rain cloud from your brain, you party-pooper, before you bring everybody else reading this book down, too?I think to myself about you, “So, you want to be an astrophysicist, eh?” Well, at least we know your expectations of yourself aren’t low. In point of fact, astrophysics isn’t really as difficult a field as it sounds, and most average people have the ability to do it pretty easily if the folks upstairs hadn’t of given it such a complicated name (i.e. the name of this book is simple and well-defined, and now you’re reading it!). Although the field takes quite a bit of imagination, I’m sure that everyone’s got enough of it, and if they don’t they’re stiff politicians who read The Wall Street Journal for morning-time kicks anyway. But you, you’ve got spunk and hope, and in the world or science and theories spunk and hope is a big part. That and common sense. As my father once said, “Anything that you want to do in this world is 10% actual knowledge and 90% common sense.” You’ve already got 90% of the process down. The purpose of this book is to fill in the other all-important 10% without which you would be most confused. It’s as important a difference as knowing how to use a saw and knowing how to use a saw without losing a finger: really basic but really essential to the whole process. I mean, you wouldn’t be able to play the flute or give someone a high-five or speak sign language, besides the fact that your wood would have blood on it, which nobody likes unless the wood is supposed to be red.
Although I have no idea what you just said, I can tell it was written beautifully if thats any consolation. I guess I thought you were actually going to explain your time travel theories, and reading it as an introduction to that made it lose coherency. If I read it again it would probably make more sense. But I must say thats very cool stuff you have written here so far... I just wish I knew of someone else who would appreciate it here. Seems kinda silly for you to write all this when I'm the only one who reads them. Oh well...
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Anonymous |
Sunday, March 06, 2005 9:32:00 PM