The Restaurant Business for Idiots
It is a law that things of common nature tend to gather, surviving better in larger groups rather than on their own. For instance, the Freckled Sparrow of South Africa’s migratory patterns cause them to eventually all fly south together, until they discover that there is only one place to fly south to from South Africa, and that’s Antarctica. For this reason the Freckled Sparrow of South Africa, most notably one of the dumbest animals ever created, is soon to be extinct. I have discovered, however, that homosapiens come in many different varieties, one of which being “the stupid”, also known as “homo plumbeus”. And, luckily for me, I have been the man to discover where this immense population of creature gathers. This place is called…The Restaurant. And so, here follows some tips that I have gathered in observing closely this primitive sub-specie.
You see, because cigarettes are well-known among this populace to be highly addictive, others will attempt to compensate for this addiction by allowing those affected by it to take frequent breaks in order to smoke. However, because this deadly addiction gives you the excuse to take a break, if you do not smoke you are then without excuse and therefore without break. Forever.
If the wait is going to be an hour, tell them 30 minutes. If the wait is going to be 30 minutes, tell them 15 minutes. If the wait is going to be 15 minutes, tell them, "Just a few minutes." And if there is no wait, tell them about 5 minutes. The reason for the latter is that if the homo plumbeus thinks the wait will be 5 minutes and you sit them instantly, they will consider it "good service".
In other words, never sit people of one certain ethnicity or race in one certain area for too long. Even if it is only fate and chance that cause this grouping to occur, the ethnic customer will, and I mean will, notice. So, scatter accordingly (salt and pepper).
The purpose of this tip is obvious...as well as just plain awkward.
Tip #1
Before getting a job, start smoking.
You see, because cigarettes are well-known among this populace to be highly addictive, others will attempt to compensate for this addiction by allowing those affected by it to take frequent breaks in order to smoke. However, because this deadly addiction gives you the excuse to take a break, if you do not smoke you are then without excuse and therefore without break. Forever.
Tip# 2
Whenever a customer asks how long the wait is, lie.
If the wait is going to be an hour, tell them 30 minutes. If the wait is going to be 30 minutes, tell them 15 minutes. If the wait is going to be 15 minutes, tell them, "Just a few minutes." And if there is no wait, tell them about 5 minutes. The reason for the latter is that if the homo plumbeus thinks the wait will be 5 minutes and you sit them instantly, they will consider it "good service".
Tip #3
When sitting customers, vigorously apply salt and pepper.
In other words, never sit people of one certain ethnicity or race in one certain area for too long. Even if it is only fate and chance that cause this grouping to occur, the ethnic customer will, and I mean will, notice. So, scatter accordingly (salt and pepper).
Tip #4
When a customer releases gases of any sort, avoid eye contact.
The purpose of this tip is obvious...as well as just plain awkward.
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