Becoming The Overman

I have entered all of my vital and personal statistics into a computer system which has told me the day which I am most likely to die on. This procedure, of course, reminds me very much of the theoretical science of psychohistory, first proposed by Isaac Asimov in his book "Foundation", which uses statistical and probability equations mixed with current knowledge of the now to descibe, with incredible acurracy, the probability of events to take place in the future. Things such as the fall of an economy are very easy to calculate, but singular humans, who are different matters altogether, cannot as easily be plugged into the psychohistoric equations. These reasons for this are several, which I would rather you figure out on your own than me tell you. However, in case you simply were curious of when to say your goodbyes to me, so when will I be leaving this world?

Tuesday, December 10th 2030 at the tender age of 43.

On that day you will most likely die from:
------------- Heart attack (25%)
------ Drowning (7%)
---- "Cleaning your Rifle" (4%)
-- Alien Abduction (2%)

However, curiosity got the best of me and I began to wonder, what if I were the most unhealthy, diseased, risk-taking man in the universe? When would I die? I mean, if a little heart condition knocks off an estimated 20 years off my life, how bad could I get. So, I took the test again, and this time I was sick...and I mean sick.

I told the computer I had cancer, HIV, tuberculosis, leprosy, small pox, alzheimers, pneumonia, liver scarring, schizophrenia, diabetes, heart disease, head lice, the black plague and hairy nipples (which I imagine aren't healthy). My family are alcoholic drug-abusers who can't read, and have poor penmanship, trouble sleeping, and connections with the mafia. I do everything dangerous from talking to strangers to swallowing knives while flying a plane I'll soon jump out of in a race car, all the while listening to Korn and watching South Park. Aside from those activites, I never excerise, unless sex counts, which I do more than a Tiauana hooker. I eat candy, chew bubble gum, smoke, drink, chew tobacco, do marijuana (along with every other drug I can find, which includes licking toads), and play with fire and guns. I'm a paranoid, stressed out, drug-trafficking pornstar who recently joined the Armed Services. I walk when it says "Don't Walk". I operate heavy machinery everyday. And I'm terrible at math. I'm everything no one ever wanted to be, the worst of the worst, the scum that even the scum thinks is scum. For fun I light firecrackers in my mouth and spit them out at the last second. I've had 138 sexual partners in my life, 139 unprotected (counting that one time with myself). Now when do I die? Give the the facts and don't let me down! I will die on the following date:

Monday, March 21st 2005 at the tender age of 17

What?! Today? That's impossible! Of what!

Today you will most likely die from:
-------------------------------Contagous Disease (100%)
--------------Alcoholism (47%)
-------------Cancer (46%)
----------Heart Attack (30%)

Sorry, man....

Well, I don't care! I don't believe it, and what I don't believe just doesn't happe...happe...hap...oh...my reproductive organs! They're on....fi...fi...fire! Aghhhhhghghggghhhhhhhghhghhhhhhghhhhh............crap.

You can take the Death Test, too, at http://community.sparknotes.com/sparktests/index.epl
Please enjoy, and beware your end...just don't lie; they know more than you can imagine.

Posted by C. Nicholas Walker on Monday, March 21, 2005 at 5:23 PM | Permalink