Becoming The Overman

WHEN I WAS IN middle school, I met a girl named Shauna. When I first saw her we were outside the school early in the morning of one day in September, when it was just beginning to get cold in the morning hours. She wore a leopard print fur coat (which I assumed was as fake as it looked), a denim skirt, white stockings and black church shoes. Her hair was dark red and short, resting just below her ears. We both must have been only 11 years old. She told me that we knew each other from a long time ago, back in early elementary school, and that we were good friends. I couldn't rememer her at all, but she told me things about my time back then that only someone who knew me would know, so I eventually gave her the benefit of the doubt.

It was obvious from the moment we met that we liked each other, and were even coaxed into calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend for a day by the other kids. That ended quick and awkward. Throughout middle school we were the best of friends, along with Barry who I'd known for quite some time but Shauna said we all played together back before I could remember her. We were an inseperable trio, standing in line for lunch together, eating together, standing together before school opened, walking between classes together. Whenever we happened to be placed in the same class, we stood together through what we considered thick and thin.

But then something happened to me. In 8th grade, I got a girlfriend. She was a grade above me, so she was already in high school, which meant she never knew Shauna the entire first year we dated. When I went to high school Shauna, Barry and I remained just as tightly knit as before and nothing changed. It was during this first year of high school I began to wonder if I really liked Shauna--I began to grow very strong feelings for her that, of course, she was never told about.

One day, however, this all came to sudden halt when my girlfriend saw me walking between classes with Shauna, both of us laughing as we always did together. My girl had always been a very jealous person and then was no different; she ran between us and seperated the conversation. Later she told me, "Shauna likes you--I can tell. Well, I don't like the way you two talk with each other, laughing like that. It looked like you were dating her or something. I don't want you talking with her anymore...you two can't be friends."

Looking back now I know all that I should have done, but that's the beauty of hindsight. For the moment, however, I had a girlfriend, someone who I could count on to always like me, someone safe who I'd never have to take risks with. I didn't want to lose that. So, the next time I saw Shauna, I told her we would never speak again.

And the saddest part that ever happened was...we didn't.

I switched schools and my girlfriend switched with me, worried that if I went to another school I'd cheat on her. Halfway through the 10th grade, however, I found out that my girlfriend had been cheating on me for quite some time. Ironic how, after all I had done and given up to secure a safe relationship without risks, it ended only the way it did. After our two and a half years together, I left her without a second thought and vowed that I would stay away from relationships for as long as it took for me to have a free life again.

Fast forward a little over a year and see me, sitting in the dark of night staring at the news and still happy to be alone and free. It was then that I saw her face...Shauna. After all those years I still recognized her easily, but the words that went along with her picture were "crash" and "family" and "tractor trailer." I ran to my computer and looked up the local news reports, when I found that, coming back from a trip in Pennsylvania for the Fourth of July, Shauna's car, with her entire family inside, was blind-sided by a tractor trailer carrying gas. Upon impact, both cars exploded, and everyone inside was dead.

And it was at that very moment that I stopped being alone and free. I was simply alone.

Mentally, I was confused. I looked to my own philosophy to find resolve and discovered just how little I could apply it to myself; my writings were like meaningless words that someone else had written. I was physically weak--I lost the strength to fight or to argue. But I was not depressed. I was lost.

I vowed to be different, for Shauna, I vowed to become greater than I was before. I promised that she would be my inspiration and reason for living, and that those I cared for would know it. I promised to her. But I still remained alone, and have since never held one love above the rest. In stead of falling for just one person, like I fell for Shauna but never told her, I love all people equally and protect them as best I can.

Significant changes? I know there will be more to come, for I know that eventually I will love somebody else like I love her. These things are inevitable. But it has been two and a half years and I still remain that I can never be truly alone with the love of the world on my side.